daemavand | Entries tagged with travelling

Since December, I’ve been travelling frequently.

Perhaps too much – I’m not certain, honestly. I suppose I’m still investigating the balance of work and play; this is the first time in years where I’ve had the financial security to be able to indulge in travel. It’s something I’ve adored doing since my youth, and my God, I’ve been reveling in that.

My colleague ribbed me about it earlier this week by asking me if I’d be available for drinks with her this Friday, “you know, if you’re not busy flying to another country or anything”. I make up for any lost days by working weekends - work is, and will always be my top priority, and my boss is happy with what I’ve been hammering out. With this in mind, I decided to go for it and spread my wings a bit.

My most recent excursion was to New York City this past weekend. When I was planning travel for 2018, visiting NYC was one of my top priorities. It wasn’t even a question - I HAD to go. My trips are usually centered around who I get to see, not what. Who will always trump what or where. Vancouver, Toronto, and North Carolina aren’t necessarily the most exotic locations; but they all house people that mean a lot to me. NYC is different where simply being there on its own is a big deal, but I hadn’t really examined why. I can commence by explaining a couple of them off the bat.

With respect to aesthetics, NYC is a sensory overload. Gargantuan are buildings everywhere, towering and relentless for kilometers – and yet, each street is unique. Each street is a diverse juxtaposition of all sorts of architectural styles. Sculpture and carvings from a variety of generations, intricate ornamentation, sleek modern design – you name it, it's there somewhere. It’s 100% urban and utterly stunning. It’s a city that’s been constructed to be cared about – unlike many modern cities, where building cheap and fast is the priority. The standardization demanded by franchises makes everything look the same regardless as to where you are. Creating buildings that are not just functional but gorgeous helps instill a sense of pride and meaning. I’m an artist at heart, and it could barely remain still while taking in all this visual stimulation.

With massive, endless rows of high-rises characteristic to NYC, you’re always looking up. I know it’s silly, but this is meaningful for me. Having come out of depression this past year, plowing down the streets of Manhattan constantly looking up, symbolically to the future, affected me. I think I was giving myself an opportunity to revisit my previous self, and to ultimately realize how much my own mentality has shifted, for the better. Thinking about my potential, and how I have power over my life simply by existing and being able to make decisions - I was barely in a position to do this in the past. It was humbling.

The final reason why visiting NYC was so vital to me turned out to be more complicated, I'm afraid.

Something that threw a wrench into my emotional gearbox was that ~36 hours prior to my departure, I received ghastly news from my mother – my aunt was on her deathbed. She had fought an 18-month losing battle with cancer, and didn’t have much time left. It was a complete shock; I’ll come back to this. My immediate reaction was to pull an Elsa and bury whatever I was feeling as deep down as humanly possible so that it wouldn’t show, to avoid bringing down the weekend for my friends. I absolutely didn’t want to be burdensome and spoil what would normally be jubilant moments. I want to make my friends happy above all else.

I did well at keeping those pesky emotions hidden. Last Friday, I had lunch with a friend. She asked me, why NYC? It took me by surprise how difficult it was to articulate a response. (The fact that I was very, very tired didn’t help. Between having to catch an offensively early flight and a surprise late-night visit to the hospital the previous night, I had accumulated a mere ~6 hours of sleep in the preceding 50-something hours. Socializing, even with a friend I was utterly delighted to see, was exhausting and shot my adrenaline way up. I nearly passed out on the train ride back to the airport). I babbled something to the extent of “Kendo! And! Friends!” which was enough of a reason, albeit a superficial and inelegant one.

There’s truth to it, though. I picked this specific weekend because it coincided with a particularly wonderful kendo tournament held within the immediate vicinity of NYC. A number of my dear Montréal kendo friends (although not as many as I’d initially hoped) were attending and I was elated to have an opportunity to see them again. It’s difficult to describe the tournament vibe to those who don’t practice the sport, so bear with me; I find the competition to be unique. It has a playful, good-natured vibe without sacrificing the spirit of the competition. Generally, everyone there puts on their game face once they step into the court, but even if they lose, there’s no resentment or negative sentiments. I’ve never experienced a competition where SO many participants just truly, at their core, fucking love kendo. It’s not about winning or showing off, it’s about doing kendo and having a blast at the same time. The level of kendo demonstrated is really impressive, too.

The tournament is also known for their legendary after party. You pay extra if you chose to attend, and they cater it with a bunch of Korean food delivered to the dojo. Copious amounts of liquor is involved. Everyone mingles, whether you’re a Sensei or just started kendo within the year – it doesn’t matter. Kendo is traditionally extremely hierarchical, which is one aspect of it I LOATHE; I don’t believe that creating social barriers is productive or positive (although I can understand it can have its place in a professional context). I believe that bringing everyone together as equals is vital for a healthy, vibrant exchange and community, and this tournament embodies that more than others. This tournament is far more relaxed about the hierarchical bullshit and it’s something that just makes it even more wonderful, at least for me – and it’s a sentiment that’s been echoed by many I’ve spoken to.

In addition to kendo folk, I currently have THREE friends living in or around NYC, each of which I hadn’t seen in a couple of years – more opportunity to catch up! So that’s the “kendo and friends” part. The latter is crucial for me – I’m the sort of person that really goes to bat for my friends. If you’re important to me, you can god damn well bet that I’ll be there for you, hell or high water. I’ve come to realize that I’m actually a little bit over the top with that, and I try to keep it in check so I don’t weird any of my newfound friends out.

This trip made me realize that eight months later, despite life being positive, I still haven’t truly settled into Calgary. There are fundamental aspects of cities like NYC that I miss at my core, leaving a void that has yet to be completely filled. There’s an intensive energy to NYC that’s incomparable. Calgary has its own lovely characteristics… but bustling, diverse, and energetic are not some of them. The result of this low-key dynamic is that it creates a feeling, at least for me, of isolation and loneliness. I’m an introvert at heart and absolutely require notable alone time to be normal (90% of the time, I snowboard alone, for example), but having good friends to pour my energy into is also important to me.

That said, I don’t want to underscore the fact that I’ve been happy in Calgary these past several months – easily the happiest I’ve been in years. I don’t want what I do have to be overshadowed by what I don’t – and I can’t articulate just how fucking grateful I feel. NYC helped me pinpoint a void I have within myself that I didn't realize I had.

I hypothesize that this sentiment is largely due to the fact that I’m still building my social circle in Calgary. I’ve succeeded in befriending drinking buddies and other acquaintances, which is great! Again - grateful. So god damn grateful. Going beyond that, the fact is that building deep, meaningful friendships – the ones I cherish – are slow, tedious, ongoing, meandering, often awkward processes. It takes time and consistent mutual exchange. And that’s okay, even if I’m ashamed to admit that it stresses me out a bit – possibly because I wonder if I’ll ever get to that point with others, again? This fear isn’t entirely irrational: so far, I’ve made two friends around whom I feel particularly comfortable and naturally inclined to build these sorts of bonds. And yet, one has already re-located from Calgary, and the other will be leaving in a month. Well, shit.

I think this sentiment was also amplified by the recent news about my aunt dying of cancer – her body finally gave out on Monday, and she passed. I was flying at the time. I said that the news was a shock; she was only 55 years old, and it was a relatively rapid decline. In addition, six years ago, owing to family drama, my immediate family had severed contact with her husband (my biological uncle). By extension, this also severed contact with her and my two cousins (them being the only ones I have). So, we had no fucking clue that anything was wrong until the very end, when my uncle finally broke the silence and called my mother.

When I heard of her death, I found myself in this strange emotional limbo – I could let myself feel things now that I was home. It’s difficult. It turns out that complicated family relationships give rise to complicated emotions, who knew? I had fond memories with her; we saw her frequently in my youth, and my cousin was one of my best childhood friends. She had a fiery, outspoken personality that I looked up to, being a horrifically shy and awkward child. But at the same time, there had been no contact in six years. It got me thinking about what I had missed out on, by not taking initiative to make my own decisions with regards to contacting family. I feel sad and guilty and I miss her and good lord my poor cousins… they must be utterly despondent. I hope they find peace.

I couldn’t go back to Montréal for the funeral because the last-minute flight was just too much for me to handle right now. But, if I hadn’t gone to NYC, I could afford it. Yep. That adds to the guilt pretty heavily.

The balance of living for yourself, being there for those important to you, while also saving for the future, is one I have yet to find, and this whole experience got me thinking about it.

I didn’t realize it until I actually got there, but going to NYC was more about personal therapy than anything. By breaking my day-to-day routine of work and sports, travelling has always had a meditative effect on me. I think it's why I've invested in it so heavily - sometimes you need to leave your bubble in order to properly reflect on it. It's definitely the case for me. In the meantime, I'm taking a break for a couple of months and staying put in Calgary. It's good timing because clearly, I've got a lot to process.